Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
