Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
