Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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