I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
