Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
