what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
