remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
