I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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