Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
