you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
