More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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