There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
