omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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