when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
