I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Terrible idea I love it
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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