Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He had one of those small greek statue penises
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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