I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
