I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
