I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
