for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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