i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
