she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
