I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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