Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
