Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
