I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
