Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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