the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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