1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
