The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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