I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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