the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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