just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
