can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
