Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
