I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
