he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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