he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
