I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
