We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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