yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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