At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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