"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
