why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
