So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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