quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
