I just pynch a tree in the face
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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