I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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