when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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