to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
