im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
